Chanukah to be Moved to October

The Watley Review offers a brilliant satirical counterpoint to Bush’s Chanukah greetings.

Arguing Over Judaism, hip, funded, or otherwise

It concerns me that Mobius and other like-minded, ethical, and energetic people are wasting so much of their time arguing over Judaism. Believe me, I know what it’s like to watch one’s religion be hijacked by ne’er-do-wells. And I understand how frustrating it is to be engaged in one of the only blogs that dares to tell the truth about Jewish funding and power, and to be ostracized as a result–even by the so-called ‘hip’ Jews.

I just got off the phone with Mobius, in fact. He was talking about some people who like Jewschool, but can’t participate because they are hoping, someday, to get funding from the very people Jewschool occasionally criticizes. These cool kids, well, they take the philanthropy money knowing full well that they don’t mean to deliver to the philanthropy what they want–but also knowing it’s foolish to bite the hand that feeds you. At least not in a way that they can figure out.

But please, get real. The place you take your money from really is who you work for. Jewish hip is not cool. It is the appropriation of other culture’s cool in order to attract confused people to Judaism. This is why the philanthropies pay for it.

Real cool is self-generated. It’s people hanging out in groups, devising their own ‘cultural product.’ Not buying someone else’s, or waiting around for hand-outs from people they despise. (It’s why Keith Richards is so upset about Mick Jagger accepting his knighthood–but that’s another story.)

But Mobius was still upset–frustrated–in the battle over Judaism. How are “we” going to mount a resistance to the people who have taken over Judaism–who seem to own it? What I said to Mobius–and he asked me to repeat here–is that everybody is arguing over a word: Judaism. Judaism is this, Judaism is that.

Fact is, NOTHING IS ANYTHING. Read Robert Anton Wilson, or any general semantics text. “IS” creates false equalities between language and real stuff. This is an apple. No! You simply assign the value ‘apple’ to that object in order to refer to it. The word apple, like the word Judaism, lives way over there in the world of symbols.

Why waste our time arguing about that word–about who might be practicing the most legitimate form of that word, who owns that word, etc.? I’m much more interested in solving the corporate-sponsored water crisis in Brazil than arguing about whether its perpetrators should be funding a kitsch Jewish periodical.

I don’t feel the need to ‘win back’ Judaism from the corporations who may be owning it, or even the fundamentalists who refuse to argue issues (but never cease name-calling). Are these the best people to be concerned with?

Just because they’re “Jewish” doesn’t make them any more interesting to engage. Interacting with them isn’t any more gratifying or educational than engaging with the most fundamentalist Christians in America.

What? We’re supposed to engage with them because they are *our* loonies? *Our* brothers and sisters? No deal.

My brothers and sisters are the people who have committed themselves to making the world a better place, to dispelling ignorance, and to developing compassion. These are the people I consider good Jews, even though most of them aren’t (weren’t born Jews, or aren’t practicing Jews). Of course, I don’t refer to them out loud as Jews, because that word means something else to them.

Halakhah, covenant, etc. I know I know. Judaism has particularities and is unique in the way it brings us to want to be holy people. Believe me, I know.

We may only live once. We may only have a very short time to make a positive difference in this reality. I still do believe we people can make a difference. I simply fear that arguing over this word Judaism, and over the internal politics and external marketing of this word is robbing us of the will to make that difference. This, if anything, is the enemy’s objective.

Can OSJ Work?

Rav Josh Yuter takes on Open Source Judaism. Finally—an engagement of the idea, as opposed to an attack on Rushkoff! This may actually yield itself to be a fruitful debate. (c/o Protocols)

The Horror


“Add a little sole to your candle-lighting ceremony with this delightful Women’s Shoes Hanukkah Menorah. It’s an actual menorah, but each candle holder is a lady’s high heel shoe.”

Sooooo bad. Other products from this—ahem—retailer include a menorah made of women’s handbags and, uh, “kosher” dog toys.

Lord, please help us.

Money Makes You Ugly?


Charles Bronfman

Edgar Bronfman

Michael Milken

Stephen Spielberg

Michael Steinhardt

Larry Tisch

Being that I’m convinced that I’ll never see a dime of Jewish establishment funding again, I’ve forgone all inhibitions with this one. After posting Michael Steinhardt’s photo in accompaniment of a piece below, I was stricken by the realization that, beyond their wealth and Jewishness, the one trait all major male Jewish philanthropists seem to have in common is, well, the fact that they’re all exceptionally unattractive. You have to wonder, why exactly is that? Don’t any good lookin’ guys like to throw the dough around? Yeesh, what a gruesome bunch! Spielberg’s the only salvagable character in the lot! I mean, Larry Tisch is dead, so he’s definitely not getting any prettier…

Israelis Take to India

As if the West Bank weren’t enough, apparently the Israelis are colonizing India now, too. I kid, I kid!

Israeli backpackers, hippies, ravers and Jew-Büs are flocking to the Indian subcontinent in record numbers, in search of adventure, R-and-R, and spirituality, not to mention cheap drugs.

Not everyone’s happy about this, however, as reflected in the words of this local native:

“I feel very uncomfortable in my own village, like I am in Israel, not in India,” he lamented. “When the Israelis are in a big group, they have no honor. They are rude and noisy. They smoke drugs, hug and schmooze in the middle of the street. Some people just stand here and shake their heads, dance to no music at all. If you tell them to stop, they just insult you, and go on.”

Since large groups of young Israeli backpackers have made Dharamkot one of their chosen hangouts, other Western tourists tend to avoid it, nicknaming it Tel Aviv. According to Singh Pathana, “Today there may be two Europeans out of 100 Israelis.”

Not to worry though, kids! Chabad’s on the scene! Oy!

A recent documentary, entitled Thank God for India, throws its two-cents into the equation, “[dealing] with the generation gap between the young Israeli travellers in India and the conformoties of society in Israel today. The film also takes a look at the new Israeli sub-culture, that has developed in India, as a result of this gap.” Click here to view the film for free online. All you have to do is register for the site.

It also seems that Israeli youth aren’t the only ‘chosen’ folks interested in India. The Israeli government has just signed a free trade pact with the tech-savvy nation, and seems intent on joining them on a lunar mission sometime within the next five years.

Welp, Abraham did send his son’s east with “gifts”…

The Kosher Beer Wars

The rumble heats up between He’brew and Layla over who shall reign victorious as Jew-beer supreme.

What a retarded thing to fight over.

Steinhardt’s Folly

“No one doubts that Michael Steinhardt is a very generous man deeply committed to the Jewish people. He has poured enormous sums into day schools, campus activities and birthright israel, worthwhile programs all. He loves to challenge conventional thinking, and I have enjoyed jousting with him about the strengths and weakness of contemporary Jewish life.

“But no one can change the Jewish community in fundamental ways unless he works with those grassroots institutions that touch the everyday lives of the largest number of Jews. As we all know, the grassroots institution of the Jewish community is the synagogue. And Steinhardt’s problem is that he has contempt for the synagogue, particularly for the non-Orthodox synagogue.”

Bring Out Your Dead

The Atlanta Jewish Times takes a moment to remember those noteable Jews who died in 2003.

A Hannukah Reflection on Assimilation

(Adapted from an earlier post on Rushkoff.com)

Christmas is a weird time for Jews. It’s treated by most of America as a secular holiday, like Valentine’s Day or Halloween (I know – neither started as a secular holiday, but they’ve lost most of their religious or pagan content). But it really feels to a lot of Jews like Christmas is still about Christ, or at least about a value system that’s post-Judaic.

For some Jews, Christmas is where we draw the line of our assimilation. In other words, we might go see Handel’s Messiah, but we won’t decorate a tree, or have one in the living room. (Even though the tree is actually a very pre-Christian pagan German thing, I know.)

That’s why it’s kind of funny that Hannukah is celebrated at this time, too. Not because of the whole ‘oil lamps defy the darkness of solstice’ thing, which I’m sure has its pagan roots, too. No, it’s because Hannukah celebrates a war against assimilation – a moment where religious, country Jews stormed the city and clobbered the Jews who had given up their identity and assimilated into Greek culture, and then forced them all to have circumcisions.

It is often said that without the Hannukah wars, Judaism would have perished. So it’s kind of fun that this holiday about fighting the pull of assimilation – about drawing the line, and feeling the difference – happens right when America is at its most Christian feeling for many of us.

But this year, after writing a book about Judaism that looks at some possible ‘end games’ through which to transform consciousness by perhaps dispensing with the word and race of Judaism and spreading its codes and ideas more universally, I had a weird thought: What if the Hannukah wars had never happened? What if Judaism were absorbed into Greek culture? Would the Greeks have incorporated more Jewish ideas, or would the Judaic idea – the notion that people can make the world a better place – have perished?

I wonder. I don’t mean to start any arguments, here, (heh) but was Judaism’s great golden age during those early Greek centuries, when non-Jews lined up outside our Beit Midrashes (houses of study) in order to read Talmud and argue theology with our rabbis? If Judaism had merged with Greek culture then and there, would we have gotten the Enlightenment 15 hundred years earlier? Would we have gotten out of the next 1800 years of persecution?

Or would the world be a darker place?

Just a thought, on Hannukah. Happy Holidays.

Ironic Inversion of Protocol

Thanks to Rumsfeld’s High Orange Alert Status, Washington Airport security shall be tighter than ever, this holiday season. This is in stark contrast to the reported attitude of the ever-so-secure Israeli immigration police, who shall supposedly turn a blind eye during the Christmas holiday. I wonder if the Grinch reads A7.

Lehrer Show Tackles Trendy Jewish Hipsterism

Jewsweek‘s Ben Cohen and Heeb‘s Josh Neuman appeared on the Brian Lehrer Show this morning to discuss the rising trend in Jewish hipsterism, with obligatory references to Jewcy, 50 Shekel, The Hebrew Hammer, and all your other favorite new-Jew clichés.

Sadly, Cohen comes off too conservative when compared to Neuman. But that only speaks to Cohen’s reverance of Judaism, as opposed to Neuman’s inclination towards secularity and Jewspolitation. To Neuman, one’s Jewish heritage is merely a source of fodder for jokes of poor taste; it is not something to be taken seriously. Heeb‘s for people who don’t know what it means to be Jewish and identify with kitschy clichés more so than Judaism itself. (Note to Neuman: Jewish grandmothers aren’t really funny!) Jewsweek, on the other hand, is the alternative to Heeb: It’s for Jews who know what it means to be Jewish and still have a sense of humor. It’s high-brow vs. low-brow. Interesting that Cohen should then be the one who found The Hebrew Hammer funny, and Neuman not. He’s probably just bitter he didn’t shoot the film himself.

Anywho, click here to listen in. (18 min., 16.4mb MP3 @ 128k enc.)

Keep Sippin’ that Haterade

RHP‘s Shred Lexicon takes 50 Shekel to task for his half-assed act:

» Shred Lexicon initiates (under the impression that he’s e-mailing Shekel’s press agent):

If you’re the person responsible for all the mainstream press 50 Shekel has been receiving, please let me know who the hell you are and what you charge for a campaign. If you can get publications like Esquire, The Wall Street Journal, New York Magazine, and Blender to cover a joker like 50 Shekel, then I can only imagine what you might be able to do for a talented musical outfit that actually has an album out.

Peace,
Shred Lexicon

» 50 Shekel responds:

Watch it bro’. I get my own PR. Apparently hundreds of thousands all over the world don’t think me and my spiel are a joke. See, this is what happens when you do something positive…ya get good press. Try it, and maybe you will too. Now you know and knowing is half the mitzvah. Later.

50 Shekel

» Shred Lexicon retorts:

Don’t get so offended, Shekel. Face it, you are what you are. A gimmick rapper. You wrote ONE damn song, and it’s just a corny parody. You’re Hardly as clever as you seem to think you are, and the lyrics of your parody only serve to perpetuate hackneyed stereotypes of Jews.

So don’t get it twisted, kid. Eventually you will be exposed for the fraud that you are. That much is certain.

» 50 Shekel gives up:

Oy vey.

I propose an MC battle. I wanna hear these cats rip each other in a freestyle cipher. I bet I know who’d win…

The First Annual Greasy Latkes: Mislabeling the JCC

Notice: Be it in a commercial or non-commerical medium, under no terms whatsoever may any of the following information be reprinted in part or whole without the express written permission of the author. Period. End of sentence. All fair use stops here. This goes especially for members of the press.


Jewish Women Watching, the radical Jewish feminist organization that distributed an all-too-cool postcard the year-before-last with an affixed condom bearing the phrase “Practice Safe Politics,” along with a warning that the “condom will NOT protect you from the real intentions of the Christian right wing,” have upped their ante this year, by staging the first ever Greasy Latke Awards outside the UJA-Federation building on 59th Street.

The awards, which ‘honor’ those guilty of “Saturating Our Community With Their Greasy Behavior,” tackle the heinous behavior of organizations such as the UJA, the ADL, the AJCommittee, philanthropist Michael Steinhardt, and—among others—my very own JCC, where I have been employed for 3½ years. Yes, my friends, The JCC of (sic) Manhattan has earned itself “The Fear of Too Queer” award.

Or has it?

The JWW’s über-snarky awards handout reads,

Debby Hirshman spent a dozen years building a showplace JCC for the well-heeled Jews of Manhattan, and in the process emerged as one of the most powerful women in the Jewish community. Yet soon after she became more vocal about her lesbian identity, the JCC board forced her to resign. Congrats to the JCC for letting misogyny and homophobia triumph.

Argh, it’s so hard to jump into this, but, here I go, head first…

Debby Hirshman was out of the closet at the JCC—always had been. It was common knowledge among staff, and even among the JCC’s members. The day I had my interview with the JCC’s director of HR, in fact, I was asked if I had “issues” with homosexuals. At the time, the majority of the JCC’s staff was, actually, queer. Truth be told, when we occupied two floors of the Jewish Guild for the Blind on 65th St., I was the only straight male on the 4th floor for the first six months of my time there. And, come to think of it, when I told my Orthodox sister from Teaneck, that I had gotten a job there, her first question to me was, “Did you know your CEO is a lesbian?” So, as far as I can tell, it was exceptionally public knowledge.

But here’s where it gets complicated: Debby was and is out, as far as I know. But “how out” is she really? Out enough that she wouldn’t mind having her name brandished across the NY Jewish news circuit as having been dismissed from her job for being lesbian? That’s a much tougher question. Having spoken to a member of The Forward‘s editorial staff this past Saturday night at a Chanukah party, one of the reasons JWW’s ad was rejected by that particular publication, was because they didn’t feel it was appropriate to out Debby like that. I think that’s a totally reasonable response. Perhaps if JWW had contacted Debby and gotten her permission to make such a statement publically, it’d be alright. But being that I’ve spoken to her herself, and that she wasn’t even interested in talking to the press about “the official story,” I have my sincere doubts that she would offer any sanction to such publicity.

Even if Debby’s sexual orientation did actually play some part in her dismissal—which, if it did, in my mind, would be no more than a minor role—Debby’s a highly-paid consultant to various up-and-coming JCCs around the world, including those in Moscow and London. Public knowledge of her homosexuality in what may be considered “less-tolerant” communities could, in fact, harm her career. I believe she has every right to want to protect her privacy like that, and even as I write this, I am having second thoughts about posting it. JWW’s put it out there, though, and someone’s gotta clear the air.

My CFO dragged me into his office the other day because he’d heard from my brother-in-law (whom he attends shul with) that I’d told him Debby was fired because she was gay. My brother-in-law neglected to mention the two other components that make up the triumverate of possibilities which I, indeed, offered him. Concerned that I was misled and spreading faulty information, my CFO wanted to know what I believed to be the reason that Debby ‘left’ the JCC.

Here’s a more astute articulation of what I told him:

  1. Debby’s a strong and brilliant woman, and she is an incredible leader. Debby was so deeply committed to the JCC and its mission, she invested herself wholly in every facet of the organzation’s operations—from the temperature in the pool to the copy on our print collateral. The woman would get to the JCC at 4:30am, and leave after 7pm, every day. And while this speaks volumes about her passion for her work, and also yielded success as her approach, what it boiled down to for others, in practical terms, was micromanagement—deeply resented micromanagement. Debby butted heads with the best of ‘em, and, over the years, earned herself a reputation as being quite a piece of work. That being said, people don’t like being called out on their bullshit, particularly members of executive management, which is something, I find, Debby was exceptionally good at as well. A master orator, she could also be extremely calculating when dealing with others. She is warm and even huggable at times, but can also be rather cold when she feels the need. Straight or gay, these traits are threatening, particularly in the workplace. And people who like their cushy do-practically-nothing jobs don’t like feeling threatened. And so maybe some of them decided to do something about it. 12 years or not, sometimes all it takes is a phone call.

  2. Debby’s involvement in the day-to-day operations of the JCC apparently prohibited her from fulfilling one of her primary tasks as the mouthpiece for the JCC: fundraising. While Debby did a great deal to make the JCC what it is today, the word on the 8th floor is, Debby wasn’t raising enough money. As the organization is currently operating within a deficit, utimately that—in the eyes of the board—is more important than, for example, making sure the locker rooms are stocked with fresh towels. This, of course, is a task for the COO. That Debby never had a wholly competent COO working under her (whereas they’re hired by the board who deal only with each other and never the staff), appears to have served only as a strike against her. She didn’t have the time, nor the energy, to kiss ass for money. I don’t blame her for it. But take a look at our earnings and you can see why the board did.
  3. Debby is a lesbian woman whose partner was bearing their child towards the end of her tenure. It is perfectly natural to assume that when Debby showed up to her 50th birthday party at the JCC and introduced Edgar Bronfman, Sr. to her pregnant fiancée, that certain individuals in attendance internally regressed into what might be deemed less-civilized modes of understanding. Perhaps some folks were simply displeased with the notion of Debby’s family representing the model Jewish Upper West Siders, who, while being amongst the most liberal, still see some things as intensely taboo. Or, perhaps they simply feared that their more conservative (aka wealthy, Republicrat, possibly Orthodox, and definitely against gay marriage) benefactors might be turned off by Debby’s sexuality—no pun intended. Perhaps they were—in part—stricken with “The Fear of Too Queer.”

Is it homophobic? Is it abhorrent? Is it just about money? The answer to all of those questions may be yes. Is it the case, though? That can not be confirmed, nor denied (as exemplified by the response of my CFO, who simply nodded and said, “Well, not exactly,” throughout my exegesis). It may, in fact, be possible, that, with a child on the way, and a marriage to look forward to, after 12 years of hard service, Debby decided she wanted to take some time to herself. That’s just as plausible as her being fired for being gay, and was also one of the reasons offered to me by two different senior staff members on separate occassions, corroborating the claim of a “mutual understanding” put forth to the press by the JCC board.

But since you can be sure Debby has no interest in exploring this topic further, nor, I’m sure, does the JCC board or staff, it is ultimately irresponsible of JWW to publicize these allegations, particularly in the Jewish press, because they have no way to verify their statements. They’re not even inside the organization and they think they know what went down. But they don’t. And I know this because I’m inside, and I don’t even know for sure. It’s pure conjecture, plain and simple. The reasons I cite above are just the “big ones” as I see them. There are plenty of smaller, yet significant causes to tack onto the end of that list that I’ve heard in passing. One thing is clear, however: If Debby’s sexual orientation played a role in her dismissal/resignation, it wasn’t the sole basis of the board’s decision by a long shot. Likely, it was just grease for already-spinning wheels.

If JWW really wants to go after a target, how about systematic gender discrimination against males at the JCC? The female-to-male ratio at that joint is outrageous, and there are barely any men in managerial or leadership roles in the organization. All departments but technology, sports (note, not fitness, which is a much larger department), and finance are managed and operated by women. In fact, the CFO is the only male in the six-member financial staff, and the only male considered senior staff (with the exception of our interim CEO, who’s just a volunteer board member). Qualified men are turned down for positions in favor of unqualified women all the time. It’s like the flipside of the corporate world. But then again, considering that JWW is a radical feminist organization, I’ll probably need to put together my own organization before this issue can be properly addressed. Perhaps I’ll call it JMM, for Jewish Men Masticating. Our slogan will be, “We too have some fat to chew!”

Or how about the fact that the only time black people attend JCC programs is when they’re pushing strollers ensconcing white children, or on Saturdays for tutoring, when no one else is in the building? You should’ve heard the uproar Frédéric Brenner’s photograph of a cooking class for South African shiksas (indentured servitude implied) caused when it was hung in our lobby—not by our black visitors, of course, but by the Upper West Side mothers who had a hard time looking in the mirror. How about the fact that all of the organization’s black employees, with the exception of five mid-level employees (out of an organization of 400 or so), all hold low-level positions? That’s a bit of unsavory information right there. Of course, black people don’t need their own organization to address these issues. They’ve already got one. It’s called the Nation of Islam.

Thus, I say, to the ladies of JWW: Please. There are so many greater injustices—so many greasier latkes—that are way more tangible, and more relevant, than the reasons behind Debby Hirshman’s departure from the JCC. Brush aside these wild goose chases, rooted in nothing more than specious conjecture, and maybe you’ll get to the crux of the biscuit. There, perhaps, you can make some real progress, and some real change. Because in the absence of fact, all you’re really doing is potentially fucking up someone’s life. And a good person’s, at that. Don’t champion “Debby’s cause” without first asking her whether its her cause or not. You could crucify the unwilling like that, drawing such undesired attention, and I don’t think any of you want that on your conscience.

Frankly, it’d only be Debby that would suffer from this; Debby, and maybe even the JCC (which, for all of its shortcomings is still a remarkable institution, no small thanks to her). But it won’t be the board. Those people are impenetrable—ivory tower wealth of the Upper West Side. The JCC is just their hobby, and they can brush their hands of it and walk way squeaky clean, with their conscience in tact. What’s the use in that?

Do the right thing. Print a retraction. Or at least do teshuva: Next time, before you act, determine whether the action will elicit the desired goal. Because in this scenario, I forsee only backfire, and the smoke blowing in the face of someone who I truly respect and admire.

Resume fair use.

[Update] Ami Eden has a related post here, as does Protocols here. Man, Blogger needs Trackback.

[Update] Debby Hirsman tells The Jewish Week: “Homophobia is both conscious and unconscious in people, therefore one can never know fully if my firing had anything to do with it. My real hope for the Jewish community is that we become a community committed to ending phobias.” Word.

Hasogas Gvul: Frummer Than Thou or Jealousy?

“I wouldn’t have believed that Jews who lay tefillin could be capable of such a crude fight,” says a local rabbi.

Haaretz brings word of mad Rebbe rumbles on Manhattan’s Lower East Side.

INJEWCON: The Cat’s Out of the Bag

Wooha! I’ve always wanted to know how to get down with the Elders of Zion. Now you can sign up on their website! Fresh!

Beyond membership in the grand illuminati of Jewish cabals, the International Jewish Conspiracy—or INJEWCON, as they’re called—also offers some revised Protocols for the new millenium. Of course, being a Williamsburg resident, I curse them for this one:

Protocol CCCXLIV: The Eighties Revival

By exercise of influence in the “rag trade,” INJEWCON expects to revive the clothing of the 1980s. Not only will wearing only one glove cause great physical discomfort to the goyim, it is expected that the unattractive fashions will lead to a decline in the marriage rate, thereby undermining the “traditional” family. Dozens of unnecessary zippers on pants and jackets will leave most goys groping for untold minutes to find their change or house keys, and the constant rattling noise of excess buckles will let caballing Members know when a fashionable goy is near. Many older gentiles will have a sudden impression of being surrounded by Eurotrash; the ensuing panic will allow the International Jewish Conspiracy to tighten its grip on the entertainment and deli industries around the globe.

By joint resolution, Duran Duran will be encouraged to continue their revival tour. Says singer and long-term IJC member Simon LeBon (né Lebonski), “It’s a mitzvah!”

Equal parts Mel Brooks and Robert Anton Wilson, INJEWCON also has the digs on what to do if you are, in fact, a giant lizard (a notion purported by conspiracy nuts such as David Icke), as well as advice from Uncle ZOG (ie., Zionist Occupational Government), to answer “Your Questions About Life, Love, and the Global Cabal.”

Totally hysterical! Wish I’d thought of it myself. At least now when people talk about the International Jewish Conspiracy, I can honestly say I’m in on it, and thus rock my Jewschool conspiracy shirt proudly! Speaking of which, I have to go manipulate the strings of global finance now. If you’ll excuse me…

Migrant Workers Sign No-Mating Clause

“An Israeli company has required thousands of Chinese workers to sign a contract promising not to have sex with Israelis or try to convert them, a police spokesman said today.” (c/o Darieus)

Kosher Xmas

JDub‘s Aaron Bisman (rocking one of Sarah Lefton’s Yo Semite shirts) and BEN’s Ben Hesse grace the pages of The NY Post this morning in an incredibly silly photograph accompanying an article about Jewish Christmas parties throughout the city. (c/o Shred Lexicon)