Actually Kind of Makes Me Long for Translations of Stuff into Klingon

A long time ago, I posted on the Polari Bible translation. So, for the sake of consistency, I felt the need to share with you the literary masterpiece that is not the LOLCat Bible. It’s… well, it’s pretty annoying, actually. But we here at Jewschool are dedicated to bringing you the full spectrum of Jewish and/or religious experiences, so here you go (Exodus 20, natch):

1. Then Ceiling Cat spoked all them werds:
2. I iz suprior man, and I broughted u out of hawt lend wit no cheezbrgrs for hard werk at all
3. U gotz other Ceiling Cat, I mek u ded.
4. If u try be Ceiling Cat of any of mai creayshunz up in floaty skai, down in erth or in watr or I mek u ded.
5. If u think faek Ceiling Cat iz Ceiling Cat, I mek u ded and ur children ded and ur children-children ded, for being stupid.
6. If not I wuv u and all ur childrenz-childrenz-childrenz!
7. U sez Inivsible Man bad, I mek u ded, for I dun liek it. Srsly.
8. Remembur caturday and keep holy.
9. U werk sicks dais and finish werk, kapish?
10. Dai sevn, u no werk. U and all ur peepz go wrship me.
11. I maded heavenz and erth and see and the stuff that does teh funney hoppey stuffz in and on it – so I make it holy cuz I no werk.
12. Bez u good to papa and mama so u has long lief.
13. U no mek peepz ded!
14. U no mek sexxes wit other gurlz or menz than ur wief (so no awsum treesum alowed!).
15. U no tek stuffs for free if not getz for free.
16. U no tell bad stuff about ur neibor.
17. U no wantz neibor stuff! No wief, no gurlz, no menz, no animulz! NOT YOURS.

More where that came from here. It’s actually an incomplete wiki, so if you fancy yourself a LOL-P, a LOL-E, a LOL-J or an LOL-redactor–here’s your big chance.

Filed under Oddities, On The Web, Torah

9 Responses to “Actually Kind of Makes Me Long for Translations of Stuff into Klingon”

  1. I have died of laughter. Dayna, this is awesome.

    Kung Fu Jew · October 8th, 2007 at 4:14 pm
  2. I don’t find this humorous, entertaining or even interesting in the least. I didn’t even know what “LOLCat” was until now. I just looked it up on Wikipedia; a colossal waste of time. Isn’t there a soup kitchen somewhere that could use some volunteers?

    cipher · October 9th, 2007 at 6:49 am
  3. Oh cipher, U n00b needz to be orderin 1 sens of humor plz. kthankxbai.

    I’ll admit however that I was wary and unimpressed… until I found KAT-HELET:

    Ecclesiastes 1

    1. Teh werdz ov teh preechur, teh son ov David, King of teh Jerusalem.

    2. “St00pid! St00pid!” Sez teh teechurcat. “Srsly st00pid. Everythingz ghey.”

    3. Wut man getz 4 laburz he toilz @ undur teh sunz?

    4. Generashun comez n generashun goez, still same lolcats.

    5. Sun rizez n setz, goez bak n rize agin.

    6. Teh wind blowz souf n norf, rownd n rownd, alwayz teh sayme.

    7. Seaz can has streemz, nevur fullz. Streemz go bak where comez frum.

    8. All tingz has do not want, more den werdz sez. Lolrus never sez “enuf bucket, kthnx” or kitteh sez “dats good, enuff cheezburger.”

    9. Has happen? Gunna be agin. Nuthing new undur teh sunz.

    10. Kitteh can not sez “OMFGZ sumthing new!” Been hear b4, lawng ago, hear b4 our timez.

    11. New kittahz 4gitz old kittahz, new kittahz 4gitd bai even newer kittahz.

    chillul Who? · October 9th, 2007 at 9:26 am
  4. chillul, I just spent three years as property manager in a Tibetan Buddhist teaching center. It was necessary to converse in broken English most of the time – to the point that my language skills began to suffer – and it still hurt less than reading this tripe!

    Honestly, I can’t see how this is anything more than an attempt to prove how “clever” these people are. I can’t begin to see it as a form of worthwhile entertainment. There is so much tikkun to be done, so much suffering waiting to be relieved – and these imbeciles are wasting their time on this narrishkeit? Now THAT’S a chillul HaShem!

    cipher · October 9th, 2007 at 10:15 am
  5. cipher, get over your holy self. isn’t there a soup kitchen you can volunteer at instead of wasting your life online saying how much we shouldn’t waste our lives online?

    deitybox · October 9th, 2007 at 4:22 pm
  6. cipher, get over your holy self. isn’t there a soup kitchen you can volunteer at instead of wasting your life online saying how much we shouldn’t waste our lives online?

    Yeah, that occurred to me – but it still isn’t as bad as creating a baby-talk wiki.

    For the record, I wasn’t castigating you guys for reporting this – I’m annoyed that people waste their time developing this “patois”, or whatever the hell it’s supposed to be. Although it does bother me that educated young people find this entertaining. It’s just crap – and I DON’T think the only worthwhile entertainment is to be found on PBS.

    cipher · October 10th, 2007 at 7:25 am
  7. To be fair, I think making people laugh can be seen as tikkun. Even when it entails stupid stuff.

    Goyisher Yid · October 10th, 2007 at 10:37 pm
  8. A fair point. I’m not at all convinced that that’s why they’re doing it – but I concede. It still bothers me, though, that I’m living in a world in which people find this sort of thing amusing.

    Of course, there were people who thought that Jim Varney (a”h) was funny as well.

    cipher · October 11th, 2007 at 5:52 am
  9. [...] LOLCat Bible touches on something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. If anyone has seen the play The Great [...]

    Jewschool » Blog Archive » LOLCat, Shakespeare Abridged and Tehillim · October 18th, 2007 at 12:15 am

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"I may attack a certain point of view which I consider false, but I will never attack a person who preaches it. I have always a high regard for the individual who is honest and moral, even when I am not in agreement with him. Such a relation is in accord with the concept of kavod habriyot, for beloved is man for he is created in the image of God." —Rav Joseph Soloveitchik