More adventures in JDating: The Knitting Guy
This guy has been emailing me and for some reason got on a roll about knitting. I think he was trying to prove how multifaceted he was: “I knit! I know it’s odd, but how many boxing coaches do you know who knit!” WOW! Color me charmed. I mentioned that I crochet, to keep conversation going (why? why?). He sent me this email today:
i was in portsmouth nh for wedding sat
went to AMAZING knitting store 😉
want to get together for a craft circle?
hope all is well
[first initial]
Just had a little JChat with him. I thought it might shed some light on… something. Well, at the very least, all you male JDaters out there (and regular daters for that matter) can learn a little something about how NOT to approach someone.
Him: Hi, Crochet Queen
[Why doesn’t he try to find out something else about me instead of just hammering down this dead end path about getting together for a craft circle?]
Me: hey there. thanks for your email. i was just looking at your profile, and i’m actually really looking for someone who shares my political beliefs — i’m pretty left wing
[I just finished a workshop on mutually satisfying relationships at Sukkahfest which helped me to clarify what I’m really looking for in a relationship. He is not it. Oh, also, why on earth am I telling you all this? I have no idea.]
Him: why do you base everything on one line of a ciomputer profile?
Him: i HOPE I am more than that!
[Well, since you’ve only been writing me two line emails that say nothing except update me on the progress of your knitting hobby, I’m actually not sure there is more than that.]
Mer: i’m absolutely sure you are!
Him: so
Him: let’s focus on what bring sus togetrher
[I begin to try to formulate the things I am looking for so that he can realize he is none of them. I rewrite a few times.]
Him: hello?
Me: yep, hold on
Me: i’m looking for someone with progressive political beliefs, who is a feminist and gets gender theory.
Me: i’m also training to be a rabbi
[I figured this all would end the conversation or reveal that he is in fact amazingly awesome. One or the other.]
Him: it is hard for aman to be a true feminist
Him: anyone who says he is is not
[uhhhhhhh…]
Me: how so
Him: because nobody can uinderstand the women’s view other thana woman
[Hm. It’s like he almost has a point. But then I remember that feminism is not the supreme understanding of the position of women but rather the advocation of equality, appreciation of women, support of gender reunderstanding, joining in the struggle for a new paradigm for gender expression, insert better definition here. I wonder for a second if he is launching a sophisticated deconstruction of the advocate vs. minority group relationship, but then decide that he is not.]
Him: emailme when u can
Him: bye
*** [dude]’s IM window is closed
I’ll get right on that email.
i am reasonably sure that a lot of people, men and women, don’t exactly know what feminism is. i figured most college educated people did until i took a few womens studies (though i believe the best name for those courses would probably be gender studies) courses and found that most of the people in them thought they were not feminists at the beginning of the course but slowly realized that was not the case. a good friend of mine who was also my professor said she used to use the word humanist instead, but that got a lot of people confused because of other meanings of the word, so she decided feminist was the best term.
A lot of women I’ve met thought they werent feminists because they wanted to get married and have kids, but when talking to them in depth about those things, their view of family structure was decidedly feminist, in most instances.
Oh well. this too is for the good.
I don’t know the whole story, so maybe I’m way out of line here, but it sounds to me like your attitude from the word ‘go’ has been to find reasons why this guy is NOT for you.
If there’s a good reason for this, which you’ve simply not shared with us, then why not just write to him and say ‘thank you for writing to me, but I don’t think we’re a good match. I hope you will keep me in mind if you know someone who might like my profile, and I will be sure to do the same for you.’ ? It would save both of you a lot of time, and keep you out of this dance of ‘how do I give him a big enough hint so he’ll leave me alone’.
I guess you came off sounding not open to him, even though you didn’t know very much about him. I could be totally wrong, and if so, I apologize, but he doesn’t seem like such an obviously bad match from what you’ve told us, and it doesn’t sound like you’ve given him a chance, or tried to learn who he is
You’re right, I decided he wasn’t for me right at the beginning but was testing to see if I was wrong… but seems like I was not wrong by his answers. His profile said he was right wing moderate and I decided that, in addition to only asking about knitting and his funny answer to feminism, those three things made him not what I was looking for. It’s funny the kinds of responses one can encounter both to, I think you’re not for me, and to, I ama feminist, I am left wing, etc.
– First of all, he’s too humble to know he’s perfect.
– That’s me.
– He’s intelligent, supportive, funny.
– Me, me, me.
– He’s romantic and courageous.
– Me also.
– He’s got a good body, but doesn’t look in the mirror every two minutes.
– I have a great body, and sometimes I go months without looking.
– He’s kind, sensitive and gentle. He’s not afraid to cry in front of me.
– This is a man, right?
– He likes animals and children, and he’ll change poopy diapers.
– Does he have to use the word “poopy”?
– And he plays an instrument, and he loves his mother.
– I am really close on this one.
–“ì÷åààúîåì ááå÷ø”
a slight variation on BZ’s post:
i have my heteronormative lapses — i occasionally use the words “chick” and “hottie” — but i like to think that in general, my masculine gender performance is sufficiently attuned to the nuances of a broader feminist attempt to recalibrate gender roles around solidarity and equality.
this is to say: i cry, but at war movies or amichai poems, rather than at the notebook.
Related note: On “Sox Appeal,” a NESN dating show where a person goes on three “dates” of several innings each at a Red Sox game, one of the guys had a priceless interaction. The contestant was a trucker in his early 30s, tattoo, built. He’s clearly trying to win points when his first “date” began to tell him that she was a med student at Yale, and instead of asking her more about that interesting and obviously important fact, he jumps in with an awkwardly insistant, “What’s your favorite movie?” She pauses, “Um, I like action movies.”
“Oh, yeah?” he says, and then rather forcedly: “My favorite one is definitely The Notebook.”
um. i can’t believe there’s a show called “sox appeal.” or that you watched it.
It’s sooo gooooood! Like watching regular crappy dating shows, but with the added bonus of baseball highlights! What more could a girl want?