TheWanderingJew: I’m reviewing a Purim porn for Jewschool!
friend: lol are you?
TheWanderingJew: I’m totally going to! “Hamantashen” is going to become the melukhlakh [dirty] word of the year!
friend: Hymentashen. Have I told you about that? I’ve made them, twice. For a “Vagina Monologues” bake sale and another for Planned Parenthood.
TheWanderingJew: Nice!
friend: Filled with cherry jam.
TheWanderingJew: Of course they are.
friend: Shaped semi-accurately.
TheWanderingJew: Hillarious. I’d buy one.
TheWanderingJew: The first preview section of the porn has downloaded. I want it to be really bad. And really cheesy.
TheWanderingJew: Which should be easy. According to the website’s description: “Don’t know Purim from Puree? Don’t dismay! Dr. Suzy explains it all to you in her brilliantly erotic exotic version of the Biblical tale of Esther, the teenage beauty contest winner who uses her powers of seduction to save her people from genocide. A Commedia Erotica cast of some of the world’s hottest porn stars, character actors and Speakeasy regulars act out this twisted tale of horny kings and hot wives, political intrigue and sensuous eunuchs, Weapons of Mass Seduction and the secrets of the harem, featuring dozens of hot scenes of Old Testament Bible sex and Speakeasy passion. Groggers and hamentaschen too!”
friend: Not to nitpick, but Purim wasn’t in the [Torah].
TheWanderingJew: Seriously.
TheWanderingJew: Oh no. The sound quality is kind of poor, but it sounds like the opening line includes, “brothers and sisters, lovers and sinners, we may not all be children of God, Jesus, or Allah, but until we start stroking ourselves…”
TheWanderingJew: And Dr Suzy, the woman, the director/narrator who is saying the line, is holding a snake in one hand and a giant floppy dildo in the other.
TheWanderingJew: I don’t think I can do this review. I think… I might just link to it, make a hamantashen joke, and leave it at that.
TheWanderingJew: Ooh, the line continues! “Brothers and sisters, lovers and sinners, we may not all be children of God, Jesus, or Allah, but until we start stroking ourselves… we are all children of sex. Can I hear an amen?!” (The audience says “amen.”) “Can I hear an awomen?!” (The audience says “awomen.”)
friend: Sorry. Oy… oy.
TheWanderingJew: It’s so bad! I’m not even at any sex yet. She’s just still talking, about sex in the bible, and how hard it is to believe that there’s sex in the bible.
friend: Who made it/hosts it?
TheWanderingJew: “Sexologist” Dr Suzy’s Porn & Purim Bacchanal.
TheWanderingJew: Esther, “trophy wife who saved her tribe from genocide!”
TheWanderingJew: About 10 minutes in, she’s telling the Purim story, starting with “the original anti-sex feminist, Vashti.”
TheWanderingJew: And getting her people to act out the story as she tells it, which requires much directing from her.
friend: Whoa. Directing how?
TheWanderingJew: She wants the characters to do something, like Vashti to leave the Harem area and strip and dance, and is having to convince her to strip, dance.
TheWanderingJew: They’re stripping Vashti, and Dr Suzy keeps repeating “the original anti-sex feminist,” which I take issue with (the line, not the stripping – this is, after all, supposed to be porn).
TheWanderingJew: Because maybe Vashti enjoyed sex, wanted sex, but just didn’t want her husband, the king, abusing his powers by demanding she be naked and dance in front of his friends. That doesn’t equate to “anti-sex.”
friend: Exactly.
friend: Who are the people in the film?
TheWanderingJew: Unclear. The setting is a mix of performance/cabaret, and there are people who are in costume as the harem, guards, etc.
TheWanderingJew: She just said something about how Vashti was executed, so they’re just going to bind her to a cross (BDSM prop, a giant cross to which her wrists and ankles are shackled).
friend: To each their own?
TheWanderingJew: I’m trying to figure out who the audience is for this. Both in terms of folks who would purchase it and watch at home, and those who were at the party. Maybe it was just a “Purim is my fetish” party?
friend: What’s the video quality?
TheWanderingJew: Poor. The sound quality isn’t great either. And it’s very amateur: people are walking in front of the camera, the camera captures other cameras in the frames, there was one great shot of the back of a guy’s head/torso as he sat there looking away from Dr Suzy and the “action.”
friend: So it sounds like a party.
TheWanderingJew: I think it was a participatory cabaret, or a play party.
friend: Makes sense.
TheWanderingJew: She’s left “Vashti” and the “guard” to play amongst themselves now (the guard is supposed to be whipping or flogging Vashti) while she’s moving the story along, talking about the King’s search for a new virgin queen.
friend: Isn’t Vashti dead?
TheWanderingJew: In the megillah, yes. In this production, no – they put her on the cross instead.
TheWanderingJew: It’s also hard to hear what she’s saying at times, as the audience is also talking, some are repeating her lines, and there’s also techno pseudo-Persian music playing.
friend: Because in Shushan there was always trance/techno music!
TheWanderingJew: Also, I’m uncertain as to why there is a pirate in this Purim story. “Avast ye virgin!”
friend: Hehe… Only costume the guy had?
TheWanderingJew: Possibly? It’s just so random. And he’s one of the guys repeating a lot of Dr. Suzy’s lines, so it’s kinda annoying. And the pirate is sitting on a small plush donkey.
friend: Oh my. I don’t recall donkey-riding pirates in Megillat Esther…
TheWanderingJew: Me neither. I hope the pirate connection gets explained…
TheWanderingJew: OH! The pirate hat is a triangle, he’s Haman! (Though, I’m fairly Haman’s hat didn’t have the skull and bones on it.)
TheWanderingJew: Esther has shown up – veiled and heavily tatooed.
friend: Obviously.
TheWanderingJew: I know. Of course she’s inked, it’s how she hides!
friend: Any Jewtoos?
TheWanderingJew: Not that I could see, alas.
TheWanderingJew: I’m debating downloading another preview section of the video, from another part of the story, to see if it improves (or becomes porny at all).
TheWanderingJew: I think I’m done with that part (part 1/3 of the Purim Show.) I’ll check out some of part 3/3.
friend: LIkewise. I’m rivited.
TheWanderingJew: Ok, so I’ve skipped to part 3/3. Dr Suzy and Esther are dancing (Esther is naked). There’s sex going on in the background, but the camera is staying on Dr Suzy.
friend: Because people watching porn don’t want to see the sex?
TheWanderingJew: Maybe this is a debaucherous feast?
TheWanderingJew: The pirate’s getting whipped!
TheWanderingJew: And out of nowhere, this line from Dr Suzy: “Rupert Murdoch, you don’t know shit.” I’m so lost. I have no clue how Rupert got to Persia…
friend: Amazing. If you still don’t know how to write a review for this porn, just post this chat.
TheWanderingJew: Good call.
TheWanderingJew: I think I’m done watching for now. It’s not making any sense, and I can’t bring myself to watch part 2/3 to see what I missed.
friend: Right, as if that would explain it.
TheWanderingJew: Maybe… Maybe Dr Suzy told them the story was on pause and random play could ensue? Who knows.
TheWanderingJew: She told the women to play with their hamantashen?!