Mishegas, Religion

1-800 Torah Scholars Can't Be Wrong?

So, it turns out that Erev Rosh Hodesh (coming at you live the ides of March, in the evening) is a special time in the Jewish year.  Thanks to a Frumster.com email, poor, sad, and unmarried girls like me got this stunning message, about this time of “significant opportunity for salvation and success.”  Start filling up those hope chests, because yeshiva bochers all around Israel will be praying so that all the single ladies don’t die alone!   That’s right.  They’ll put a ring on it, if you ring them.  Someone order a cheese platter, this is going to be quite the Hodesh Tov. Put a ring on it
Whether or not this has some sort of Torah or Talmud backing, I cannot say.  I am just a meek woman who knows not the glory of the true word that this yeshiva will use to find me a husband.  B-f***ing-H, as I like to say.
Their photographic list of geonim is impressive, at least in terms of the amount of time it must have taken them to grow their beards.  I wonder if your husband – or mine (of blessed memory) – can be found under the black hats, or woven into the fabric of their all-day prayer shawls.
All you have to do is call 1-800-451-3656, or, internationally, 1-646-395-9544.  Those shlitas will get right on task in praying about the poor unmarried women who take the time (and cell phone billable minutes) to call and ask for a hussun.  Call me crazy (do it – I dare you!), but maybe these unmarried women should take the time to talk to men they might want to marry instead.
IF (and if I could actually represent my feelings visually, those letters would be dripping with a venom that would burn the inside of your monitor once they appear) these kollel kids from Ateret Shlomo (how nice of them to link RIGHT to their donation page so dangerous my office blocked it (if you want a hubby, you gots to pay!)) want to pray for husbands for the unwed, and IF (again, with the sarcasm) they think it will make a difference, then by all means.  Feel free to waste your power on some virgins.
How about praying for adequate food for all?  How about a stop in climate change?  How about no more destructive natural disasters this year?
My cousin once told me that prayer works, just not in the way that we want it to (oh, to have faith like that…). She said that was why there were so many babies born the same day that my future husband passed away. A hard pill to swallow, for sure, but it gives me an idea.  Maybe if these dudes pray for the unmarried women who call, then maybe the natural disasters will stop happening?
Best of luck, bochers.  Bring it on!

5 thoughts on “1-800 Torah Scholars Can't Be Wrong?

  1. intense, sbb, really intense.
    i wonder, though, for the minutes spent on the phone with them, is there at least some heavy breathing or something???

  2. I find this post offensive. I’m a jew who prays and I don’t think it’s cool to mock prayer. I’m also happily married and know a lot of men and women who would like to be married. Is praying for them less legitimate than other prayer? They give you a toll-free number and you castigate them for using your cell-phone minutes and accepting donations? Can any frum Jew escape the wrath of Jewschool contributors?

  3. And here’s the kicker:
    “How about praying for adequate food for all? How about a stop in climate change? How about no more destructive natural disasters this year?”
    You criticize someone for wasting their energies on something you don’t consider important when instead of purposeless whining YOU could be using your energies for good and promoting something positive.

  4. I do believe in prayers (from my personal experience they work!). I went into the Ateret Shlomo site and, to tell you the truth; after I saw their video I was truly impressed and somewhat touched. I think these people who devote their life to spirituality, are worthy to pray on my behalf and I’m thinking of signing up to this prayer day. As far as I understand, they will pray for anything you ask for, so if you are so concerned of the global warming or adequate food for all, why don’t you ask them to pray for that?

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