Mother’s Day Bang

Rather than the regular weekly Top Ten list, the loveley editors at Bang It Out have composed the following collection of Yo Momma snaps, in the spirit of Mother’s Day.

Yo Momma’s So Jewish…

  • She cried at your bris, primarily because you weren’t engaged yet
  • She does all her Pesach shopping for next Pesach the night after Passover ends, to get all essentials on sale
  • She has called you 6 times today just to ask you how your day is going – it’s 8am
  • She brings 2 extra empty suitcases on vacation exclusively for the Hotel Towels and shampoos
  • She named your first name “Barry” and your middle name “Manilow”
  • She goes to the doctor for any small thing, but mostly just to give out your picture to single MDs
  • She signed you up for the wedding registry at Sacks after your first shabbos walk
  • She’s 3rd cousins with everyone reading this
  • She cried at your bar/bat mitzvah, primarily because you weren’t engaged yet
  • She treats all three cleaning ladies like family
  • She thinks women’s prayer groups are for sissies
  • When I asked her what she’s doing tonight, she responds “last night, I went to the movies”
  • She feels rebellious when she listens to Billy Joel’s “Uptown Girl”
  • She hoards Sweet N’ Low packets in her pocket book, even though she has a box at home
  • She cries over your every accomplishment, and over every episode of “The Wedding Story”
  • She listens to JM in the AM at night
  • She always has leftovers wrapped up to go, including that of the table next to yours (what, I should let this go to waste?)
  • She calls three times to remind you she is stuck in traffic
  • She cried at your graduation, primarily because you weren’t engaged yet
  • She calls you again to remind you she is still stuck in traffic
  • She covers her hair in the shower
  • She expects everyone to understand her incoherent Yiddish, including the cleaners
  • She has no concept of whispering
  • She has a secret crush on Matt Lauer that she lets everyone know about
  • She makes early Shabbos…on Wednesday
  • She can’t get over the fact that email stands for electronic mail
  • She confides in librarians and grocery checkout people more than her therapist
  • If she ever met Ghandi she would offer him a 7-course meal and not stop until every bite was finished
  • She could find Sadam and Osama through her power of guilt (“Would it kill you to pick up the phone and call me?”)
  • She goes to the mikvah to do laps
  • She has served you egg salad every Tuesday for ten years, because you once said you loved egg salad when you were 6
  • She sets an extra seat at the shabbos table, just in case you meet you bashert on the way to her house
  • She got mad because you bought pot …at full price when you know that her cousin’s brother in law could get a deal in Brooklyn
  • She will never let you leave the house without a coat, a dating interrogation and a bag of shabbos leftovers
  • She thinks Joan Rivers and Fran Drescher are annoying even though she sounds exactly like them
  • She puts gefilte fish in your lunch bag with a little cup of chrain and 2 forks
  • She has her wardrobe segmented by functions (frum, charedi, zionistic, modern, mixed dancing)
  • She encourages you to do whatever you want with your life so long as it includes grandchildren
  • Anytime she hears a dish fall, she screams mazal tov
  • I saw your mom carrying 10 shopping bags from Bloomingdales the other day, I said what are you doing, she said exercising
  • When you give her her Mother’s Day gift you can faintly hear her muttering “Just one grandchild, is that too much to ask for?”

Haha. I needed that. I’m in way over my head with all this antisemitism stuff. I’m getting throttled here…

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