Culture, Israel

Wu Tang Invades Gaza

My friend, and roommate, David Druce wrote this little piece. Enjoy.

In a development that stunned Middle Eastern experts, the embattled Gaza Strip was seized by a shadowy group of heavily armed men. Yet it was not the incumbent Fatah regime or the isurgent Hamas but one of New York’s most respected rap groups. The Wu Tang Clan, a consortium of an estimated thousand strong rappers, producers, and others involved in hip-hop were well armed with Uzis and pinky rings. Flanked by a unit of masked ninja wielding liquid swords and heavily armed ‘homies’ from the Stapleton Projects, the GZA quickly led a unit of soldiers into the Hamas stronghold of Seijiya in Gaza City, iron flag in hand.

A final crescendo of gunfire in Beit Lahiya came to a halt as the Wu released a recorded statement to the press. “Straight from the slums of Shao-Lin, the Wu Tang Clan Killer Beez taking over densely populated areas, filling power vacuums, creating sustainable governments all up in the Middle East. Tical!” An unnamed diplomat in the region claimed the gravelly voice was that of Clifford Smith, better known as Method Man. Touted as the interim Minister of Foreign Affairs, Method Man has maintained ‘low-level style contacts’ with the PLO since 1991. Smith has been accused of torture in the past, having allegedly ‘put a hanger on a…stove and let that shit sit there for like a half hour’ before using it as a torture device. Method Man claims that he renounced violence in 1993 in the spirit of the Oslo Accords and was merely using a figure of speech deliberately taken out of context by critics.
Inspectah Deck, interim Minister of Housing explained to the media why the Wu Tang suddenly became involved in an act of such political significance. “We was chillin’ in Kaisterlautern (Germany) on some lame-ass tour and saw people whilin’ out on TV, shooting weapons in the air, only four hours away. So we got on the scene. We all original Asiatics from the Medina, so why not?” Raekwon the Chef, known his links with Cuba, expressed unhappiness that an important member of the Clan was unable to join them. “I wish (the late) Ol’ Dirty was here, ya know? He went by Osiris so I am sure that he’d be fitting to negotiate that issue with tunnels in Rafiah with that Egyptian dude (head of Military Intelligence Omar Suleiman.)”
Professor Said Barhawi of Al-Quds University in Jerusalem is ‘cautiously optimistic’ about Wu Tang regime in Gaza. ‘Obviously we’d like to rule ourselves, but at least 2 or 3 of these men are Muslim. Plus Wu Tang are for the children.’ He added that enlisting a few thousand residents to the Clan as guest rappers, producers, and artists could reduce the Gaza Strip’s high unemployment rate. Rumors that every man between the age of 25 and 45 will be allowed to release his own Wu Tang album with appearances with artists including the Brown Hornet, LA the Darkchild, Shyheim, and Cappadonna continue to circulate through the dusty streets of the West Bank. Crate loads of unsold Wu Wear are to given out by the UNRWA, increasing self-esteem of youth, teaching them to eschew the street in the pursuit of C.R.E.A.M-an acronym that means ‘cash rules everything around me.’
Both Israelis and Palestinians criticized the new Clan regime. Sheik Said Aburiezk of Khan Yunis blasted the Clan at a Friday sermon. “We all know what the RZA stands for. Religious Zionist Association. We will not let these men arrive under the pretense of being the realest in hip-hop and use that as a pretense to occupy Islamic land. Men with names like Killah Priest and U-God are affront to the true believer, who would not dare compare themselves to the holy one. They had better protect their necks.” Yossi Kimhi, spokesperson for Israel’s Minister of Foreign Affairs reiterated the fact that Israel has a the exclusive Right of Return, in the form of a receipt for the “Wu Tang Forever” CD, bought at the Tower Records in Tel Aviv. Many analysts believe that Remedy, the one Jewish member of the Clan could serve as a diplomatic link to the new rulers of Gaza. Remedy refused to talk to press but released this statement. “Never again shall we sit and take orders. Never Again. Never Again.”

3 thoughts on “Wu Tang Invades Gaza

  1. From your mouth to Gd’s ears. Fo REAL.
    You forgot one detail, though. Did Meth give out free cones to everyone from his Ice Cream Truck?

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